voices

i hear voices…
sometimes they drown out my own thoughts…
mean and degrading, full of blame and hate…
these voices battle for my attention
trying to lay claim to my Spirit
all the while distracting me,
from the moment…the here and now…
they pull me back to a time when ‘he’ would beat me down…
sometimes verbally, sometimes physically,
always Spiritually and emotionally...
the voices sound like anger from men who personified rage…
my father when i as a child erred in some way,
the men i chose to enter into relationships with…
all men who saw no value in me and made sure i knew it…
took me a long time to forgive my father
and even longer to accept responsibility for allowing
inferior men to become fixtures in my world...
you see, with responsibility comes power
and today, i am indeed a powerful woman with a voice of my own…
so, why do i hear these damn voices?
they seem to want to draw me back,
they question my confidence and sometimes…
sometimes...have me also questioning…
they are insistent…
insisting that i somehow deserved the abuse i suffered…
that i pushed ‘him’ to do what ‘he’ did…
that i caused his anger and brought his rage upon me…
i know this to be a lie…i do…
and yet, sometimes…i believe the voices and i dream of those days...
in my dreams i am a little girl and my tears fall silently…
i reach out to him, as his hand strikes my face…
i want to prove my worth to him…somehow earn his love…
i fail miserably and this breaks my heart…
i wake from my dreams to those voices yet again
spouting ‘i told you so’…
and for a moment, i agree…
for a moment…
and then, the warrior that is me speaks up…
her voice soft but strong...
she speaks to the little girl sitting lonely inside me,
her words wipe away the tears,
her love holds my heart, mends the brokenness
and leads me away from the noise that threatens
the peace i work so hard every day to build...
she points out that by my own example will
i lead my daughters to view themselves with esteem and love…
this thought alone is enough to dispel those wretched voices…
i am a work in progress and every day is a choice presented…
everyday the battle begins anew…
one day, i will know peace
and my daughters will walk proud knowing their mother
healed herself…
from inside the darkness…she found the light…
and faced down the voices…