he saw

he raised his hand to her
she flinched...
he saw,
for the first time...
he saw her flinch and it did something to him...
it shamed him in a way nothing else could...
for a moment, finally, he saw himself through her eyes,
through her pain...pain he himself had caused...
and then, he saw his past...
he remembered his father hitting his mother...
the alcohol on his breath not enough to numb
the pain in that man's heart
and the bruises on his mother's face,
nothing like the bruises scarring her weary soul...
he saw his woman flinch and it was enough to make him
lower his fist...
make him look deeper into his wounded self...
it made him be accountable...for the first time in forever...
he took a step toward responsibility...
he took a step toward healing...
and after much work...
and after much honesty and deep, deep reflection...
the next time he raised his hand...
she didn't flinch...
he placed his hand on her beautiful face
and he cherished her...
and...
he cherished himself...

the best i can be...

sometimes you just gotta accept
that, the way things are
are simply, just the way things are...
the cliche 'it is what it is'
is by it's simplicity
such a truth...
my brother hurts and he lashes out at me...
the only brother i have left, i only hope that someday,
he'll realize his own truths and let me be me...
my best friend hurts, somehow, i failed her
and i don't even know how, but,
someday...i hope she'll have the patience to work with me...
and keep our old friendship new again...
my oldest friend and first real love took his own life...
and this, by far, has been the hardest reality to accept...
that he's gone and i have to keep on moving forward without him...
and there's not a damn thing i can do but to be the best i can be...
somehow, figure out what that is...
and be
the
best
i
can
be...

i am...

i want to visit the space between what once was and what can be
i want to create a better way than the way i have been living
i want to start right now, pick up my broken pieces and put them together
any damn way i please...
fuck the opinions of others,
and whether i fit the status quo...
the status quo never gave a shit about my joy...
i tire of agreements i never agreed to
i was born into the should be, should do, should feel concepts
created by others who were afraid to live authentic...
and here i am, here we all are,
trying to fit their mold...
i seek to break that mold,
i seek to breathe a real breath...
deep...
i want to walk in rain...write words that move people...
i want to sit with my children and listen to their ideas, their dreams...
i want to build m'self a sanctuary using the love that surrounds me,
lit by a light encompassed within me...
i want to dance in the moonlight and love with all my heart...
...and i will...
...and i am...
on my own terms...
with my own subtle uniqueness...
i am...

if i could stop time

if i could stop time,
i would hold your hand
and listen as you whispered your stories
soft into my listening.
i would watch your eyes
and see the delight your dreams inspire
your exuberance like that of a child
who believes anything is possible.
if i could stop time,
maybe i could buy more time
get to know you better
because, i know so little.
i don't know what the Universe has planned
i just know i've made my desires known
and maybe, just maybe you
are my deepest wish granted?
if i could stop time,
i would take control these anxieties
and figure out how to be grateful
for the moment.
i would ask to know you
the deepest part of you
find out if you really are...
real.

if i could only stop time...

before the sun rises

just before the light of morning...
in that quiet place where angels tread,
there is a peace you can almost touch,
where forgiveness seems possible
and love isn't at all scary or clouded
by the games people play...
there is this surreal connection between
what is known and what is unknown,
as our dreams dance along the edges of our mind
and our hopes spread their wings to fly...
in this place, the child inside us walks freely,
without the constraints our self doubts place upon us
during our days and nights of struggle in what we call 'reality'...
ideas are limitless and there is no fear of failure...
there is no fear at all...
as i sit and gaze up at a midnight blue sky,
watching the colors change as the sun rises,
i feel a joy borne from anticipation and a knowing
that this peaceful place is a place i carry inside of me...
and it is here that i am most welcome...
it is here that i must chance to dwell from time to time,
if only to rest my weary soul and gather the strength
i am going to need if i am to take hold this precious life
and sculpt it into the masterpiece i have been given the sacred privilege to create...

boo hoo, grow a pair...

so, you let me in a little...you give me a taste of how great you can be and then...BAM, the bomb drops...you don't want a relationship...your heart can't take being broken again...and this makes me....

...want to throw up.

do you think you hold the monopoly on pain?
do you think you are the only one in this world who has been lied to, cheated on, dumped?
so, your recourse is, to take on one or more (or all) of the following perspectives:
1. you are a loser
2. all women are losers
3. you'll only hurt me
4. eventually, i'm sure to hurt you
5. you're never going to let another woman in your heart
6. you're going to live your life alone, forever
7. you are not meant to love or be loved

lame...
we have all been hurt...all of us...and it makes sense to put up a wall for a while, take time to recover...
put in perspective the experience had and then, dammit, move on from it...it's so easy to become a victim but, i have a challenge for you...be better for it...don't let the one failure you had be so strong, so powerful, that it dictates your present and future...what a waste of all you can be, all you can give and receive...
and another thing...damn you!
damn you for writing me off...i am not your past...i am right now...an imperfect, perfect example of possibility...a crazy, emotional, well meaning, work in progress who is doing her best to be her best, even when i fall apart...i put my pieces together and although, i may be a jig saw puzzle of a person...God, i am a good woman with a heart and a Spirit that sees the world through rose colored glasses and views life as this magic ride...and you...sigh...well, for you i am sorry because, while you're dwelling on the past and stunting your growth, i am running the other way...if you put limits on what can be, then you can't have me...

stream of consciousness...what happens when Spirit takes over...

we have allowed agreements to box us in...
we have allowed fear to imprison us and we don't realize it...
we think we're free but we're far from free...
we have forgotten to trust in ourselves,
much less believe in each other...
even our word is at question.
when a handshake used to be enough,
it has been replaced with contracts that signed
in triplicate can still be put to question under just the right
scrutiny and for just the right amount of money...
and money, ha...the devil cloaks himself in green,
lies fall from his lips and we take his guile to be truth-
there is no truth in currency.
there may be the momentary comforts that money can buy
but money requires us to grow reliant upon its power to provide those comforts...
we base our value on how much money we earn,
a despicable deviation from a most innate truth which is;
our value comes from a place money can never venture-
from the moment we enter this world, the green devil can never take away
our sacredness, although, we, immersed in our belief we our worthless,
do our best to give it away...
we sell ourselves short by selling ourselves out...
we settle for less than what we deserve and the tragic 'reality' is,
we do so willingly-we practically jump at the chance
eager we are to give up responsibility-fear a chokehold on our authenticity.
oh, the bullshit of it all!
all this angst, unnecessary waste of precious time...
trifling, exhausting...
these agreements have us focused on distractions when we could be
growing, learning, BEING...
we're too busy being angry, sullen...victims.
our anxieties hardwired, causing our sense of self worth to suffer a perpetual disconnect...
that still, small voice fidgetting within, constantly whispering, transcending to screams heard only
by our subconscious listening...
and we suffer, needlessly...none of it is real!
from the deepest part of ourselves we feel the fatigue this conformity causes, we hurt,
so much we hurt until one day, brought to our knees, we break...
and then...
i pray, i pray to the heavens, the earth, the gods...
i pray to m'self...
i simply pray and i beg for a peace i have never known...
i beg for release from a pain i have felt so long, it's as though it was there for my birth...
waiting to come over me and make me pay for sins not my own,
thrust upon me from those who came before, also struggling with their own agreements...
there is more to me than this...there is more to life than these lies...
conformity like a chain around my neck, the lock secure, the key in my own hand...
i can't go back to what was...i know too much...
so i stand in the dark, the light inside me begging to illuminate my path as i prepare
time to take that step, the first of many on a journey i've already been on, misguided, lost...
something More is happening, something is coming...
i don't want to miss what's ahead...
breathe when the pain comes,
gather all the love outside and within...
and stand ready...no more lies, no more distractions...
what we...what i have taken to believe as truth is no longer strong enough to bind me...
the lock around my neck i have unlocked...
my release is in my own hands and, although i'm scared, so scared...
i am ready...
fucking finally...
a work in progress i am, always a work in progress...
but finally, i am ready...