have FUN

have fun...
laugh...take risks...do that which is terrifying...
if only to to feel that adrenaline rush...
oh god...
don't you see? 
the status quo would limit you...
stifle your valience into a box not of your choosing...
choose to challenge the given...
for the given, in reality, merely takes...
and suffocates the courageous...the audacious...
the free Spirit that in essence,
we are all borne from...
fuck yeah...
i beg of thee...
have FUN!

are you real?

i feel what i feel...
i speak what comes to mind...
i am real...
you can't handle this?
well then...
go away...
got no time in my life for cowards...
got no time in my life for games...
you can't rise up to my intensity?
then again i say...
go away...
this space in my heart is saved for someone...
real...

are you?
real?

i choose...

our damaged pasts, the pain we are born into...
must they dictate our future?
perhaps so, to an extent...
however, we have the power to decide...
we are equipped with strengths that, ironically, come from the pain we carry...
our parents may not have had the strength to shield us from their hurts...
that doesn't mean they didn't love us...they did the best they could by us...
to those raised in abuse...
we are not limited...
we are not victims...
we are survivors...and our pasts...
well, we have a choice...
i choose to love, i choose to forgive...to each their own...
i believe in the magic of life...i believe in the magic of Spirit...
so, i choose to cry when it hurts...
yell when i'm angry...
make my mistakes and forgive m'self...
and, i choose to be responsible...
to take my power and use it to help others...
and hopefully...most of all...
i pray that my daughters four understand
that their mama...imperfect as she was...is...and always will be...
so in love with them...
so...in love...with...them...

dedicated to Sarah, Casie, Jada &...Liset!

no room for the negative

no room for the negative,
no time for the complaint...
life is a move forward, step back,
move forward, twirl around kind of dance
and if we are willing to do the work necessary
to be the best that we can be...
that dance will be a dance filled with joy
and the bittersweet will serve to make
the good times all the richer...
delving in the negative stops the dance
and creates a stagnant atmosphere
where growth is stunted and joy is stifled...
it is an effort but it is possible to train one's mind
into focusing on the positive...
i, for one, am more than willing to put forth this effort
for i have seen the good that comes of it
and i want that to be a strength i develop and grow into...
there can be found a positive in every negative,
a light in every darkness,
beauty in all that is ugly...
one only has to decide to leave
no room for the negative...

he saw

he raised his hand to her
she flinched...
he saw,
for the first time...
he saw her flinch and it did something to him...
it shamed him in a way nothing else could...
for a moment, finally, he saw himself through her eyes,
through her pain...pain he himself had caused...
and then, he saw his past...
he remembered his father hitting his mother...
the alcohol on his breath not enough to numb
the pain in that man's heart
and the bruises on his mother's face,
nothing like the bruises scarring her weary soul...
he saw his woman flinch and it was enough to make him
lower his fist...
make him look deeper into his wounded self...
it made him be accountable...for the first time in forever...
he took a step toward responsibility...
he took a step toward healing...
and after much work...
and after much honesty and deep, deep reflection...
the next time he raised his hand...
she didn't flinch...
he placed his hand on her beautiful face
and he cherished her...
and...
he cherished himself...

the best i can be...

sometimes you just gotta accept
that, the way things are
are simply, just the way things are...
the cliche 'it is what it is'
is by it's simplicity
such a truth...
my brother hurts and he lashes out at me...
the only brother i have left, i only hope that someday,
he'll realize his own truths and let me be me...
my best friend hurts, somehow, i failed her
and i don't even know how, but,
someday...i hope she'll have the patience to work with me...
and keep our old friendship new again...
my oldest friend and first real love took his own life...
and this, by far, has been the hardest reality to accept...
that he's gone and i have to keep on moving forward without him...
and there's not a damn thing i can do but to be the best i can be...
somehow, figure out what that is...
and be
the
best
i
can
be...

i am...

i want to visit the space between what once was and what can be
i want to create a better way than the way i have been living
i want to start right now, pick up my broken pieces and put them together
any damn way i please...
fuck the opinions of others,
and whether i fit the status quo...
the status quo never gave a shit about my joy...
i tire of agreements i never agreed to
i was born into the should be, should do, should feel concepts
created by others who were afraid to live authentic...
and here i am, here we all are,
trying to fit their mold...
i seek to break that mold,
i seek to breathe a real breath...
deep...
i want to walk in rain...write words that move people...
i want to sit with my children and listen to their ideas, their dreams...
i want to build m'self a sanctuary using the love that surrounds me,
lit by a light encompassed within me...
i want to dance in the moonlight and love with all my heart...
...and i will...
...and i am...
on my own terms...
with my own subtle uniqueness...
i am...

if i could stop time

if i could stop time,
i would hold your hand
and listen as you whispered your stories
soft into my listening.
i would watch your eyes
and see the delight your dreams inspire
your exuberance like that of a child
who believes anything is possible.
if i could stop time,
maybe i could buy more time
get to know you better
because, i know so little.
i don't know what the Universe has planned
i just know i've made my desires known
and maybe, just maybe you
are my deepest wish granted?
if i could stop time,
i would take control these anxieties
and figure out how to be grateful
for the moment.
i would ask to know you
the deepest part of you
find out if you really are...
real.

if i could only stop time...

before the sun rises

just before the light of morning...
in that quiet place where angels tread,
there is a peace you can almost touch,
where forgiveness seems possible
and love isn't at all scary or clouded
by the games people play...
there is this surreal connection between
what is known and what is unknown,
as our dreams dance along the edges of our mind
and our hopes spread their wings to fly...
in this place, the child inside us walks freely,
without the constraints our self doubts place upon us
during our days and nights of struggle in what we call 'reality'...
ideas are limitless and there is no fear of failure...
there is no fear at all...
as i sit and gaze up at a midnight blue sky,
watching the colors change as the sun rises,
i feel a joy borne from anticipation and a knowing
that this peaceful place is a place i carry inside of me...
and it is here that i am most welcome...
it is here that i must chance to dwell from time to time,
if only to rest my weary soul and gather the strength
i am going to need if i am to take hold this precious life
and sculpt it into the masterpiece i have been given the sacred privilege to create...

boo hoo, grow a pair...

so, you let me in a little...you give me a taste of how great you can be and then...BAM, the bomb drops...you don't want a relationship...your heart can't take being broken again...and this makes me....

...want to throw up.

do you think you hold the monopoly on pain?
do you think you are the only one in this world who has been lied to, cheated on, dumped?
so, your recourse is, to take on one or more (or all) of the following perspectives:
1. you are a loser
2. all women are losers
3. you'll only hurt me
4. eventually, i'm sure to hurt you
5. you're never going to let another woman in your heart
6. you're going to live your life alone, forever
7. you are not meant to love or be loved

lame...
we have all been hurt...all of us...and it makes sense to put up a wall for a while, take time to recover...
put in perspective the experience had and then, dammit, move on from it...it's so easy to become a victim but, i have a challenge for you...be better for it...don't let the one failure you had be so strong, so powerful, that it dictates your present and future...what a waste of all you can be, all you can give and receive...
and another thing...damn you!
damn you for writing me off...i am not your past...i am right now...an imperfect, perfect example of possibility...a crazy, emotional, well meaning, work in progress who is doing her best to be her best, even when i fall apart...i put my pieces together and although, i may be a jig saw puzzle of a person...God, i am a good woman with a heart and a Spirit that sees the world through rose colored glasses and views life as this magic ride...and you...sigh...well, for you i am sorry because, while you're dwelling on the past and stunting your growth, i am running the other way...if you put limits on what can be, then you can't have me...

stream of consciousness...what happens when Spirit takes over...

we have allowed agreements to box us in...
we have allowed fear to imprison us and we don't realize it...
we think we're free but we're far from free...
we have forgotten to trust in ourselves,
much less believe in each other...
even our word is at question.
when a handshake used to be enough,
it has been replaced with contracts that signed
in triplicate can still be put to question under just the right
scrutiny and for just the right amount of money...
and money, ha...the devil cloaks himself in green,
lies fall from his lips and we take his guile to be truth-
there is no truth in currency.
there may be the momentary comforts that money can buy
but money requires us to grow reliant upon its power to provide those comforts...
we base our value on how much money we earn,
a despicable deviation from a most innate truth which is;
our value comes from a place money can never venture-
from the moment we enter this world, the green devil can never take away
our sacredness, although, we, immersed in our belief we our worthless,
do our best to give it away...
we sell ourselves short by selling ourselves out...
we settle for less than what we deserve and the tragic 'reality' is,
we do so willingly-we practically jump at the chance
eager we are to give up responsibility-fear a chokehold on our authenticity.
oh, the bullshit of it all!
all this angst, unnecessary waste of precious time...
trifling, exhausting...
these agreements have us focused on distractions when we could be
growing, learning, BEING...
we're too busy being angry, sullen...victims.
our anxieties hardwired, causing our sense of self worth to suffer a perpetual disconnect...
that still, small voice fidgetting within, constantly whispering, transcending to screams heard only
by our subconscious listening...
and we suffer, needlessly...none of it is real!
from the deepest part of ourselves we feel the fatigue this conformity causes, we hurt,
so much we hurt until one day, brought to our knees, we break...
and then...
i pray, i pray to the heavens, the earth, the gods...
i pray to m'self...
i simply pray and i beg for a peace i have never known...
i beg for release from a pain i have felt so long, it's as though it was there for my birth...
waiting to come over me and make me pay for sins not my own,
thrust upon me from those who came before, also struggling with their own agreements...
there is more to me than this...there is more to life than these lies...
conformity like a chain around my neck, the lock secure, the key in my own hand...
i can't go back to what was...i know too much...
so i stand in the dark, the light inside me begging to illuminate my path as i prepare
time to take that step, the first of many on a journey i've already been on, misguided, lost...
something More is happening, something is coming...
i don't want to miss what's ahead...
breathe when the pain comes,
gather all the love outside and within...
and stand ready...no more lies, no more distractions...
what we...what i have taken to believe as truth is no longer strong enough to bind me...
the lock around my neck i have unlocked...
my release is in my own hands and, although i'm scared, so scared...
i am ready...
fucking finally...
a work in progress i am, always a work in progress...
but finally, i am ready...

O'God...

O'God, give me peace-
I beg thee, quiet these voices swirling 'round me-
voices filled with self-importance not earned,
but certainly self-imposed...
Help me drown out conversations that conflict
with the night's quiet and the soft whispering descent
of a star's fallen grace...
Let the breeze speak louder than the noise of these people
who say much while saying nothing,
all in the same ragged breath-
their contempt for one another subtle yet clear to mine own listening...
they struggle to one up each other's stories with no regard
for the heart's yearning to be understood-
no one listens anymore-
is this what we have become?
A race of people racing to be better
than the hopes and dreams of old with no afterthought
for the honor behind those dreams...
with no honor for each other...
a people who's own word is put to question-
promises thrown to the wind's fancy-
lost in a sea of broken covenants and useless contracts that belie the shame of it all...
the shame of a lost society-
always running...
always competing...
always demanding-
entitlement a constant fallacy,
but a fallacy over which wars are fought...
the sins of our fathers have come together to form an intricate web of deceit and greed-
power hungry - money starved - control seeking.
O'God give us peace-
help us remember stories told around sacred fires-
elders holding history within their hearts
as the young listened in rapt silence...
help us to look within
and see the truth that rests in deeper places
than our restlessness can bear to venture...
guide us as we travel places uncharted...
places forgotten by a world distracted and distraught...
mankind's imagination longs for new adventures...
but, mankind must be reminded...
new adventures are not always found outside of ourselves...
our most epic adventure will be had when we look within
and travel the ancient paths held inside...
and nothing this world has to offer can prepare us...
not power, money or control...
our preparation will come in the simplest of forms...
by way of truth, honor, integrity and love...
O'God...help us to remember...
love...

he listened

he stood off in the shadows, hidden, listening...
he listened to her silent tears,
he heard her pain, her quiet sadness...
he respected her strength, borne from her weakness...
he stood off, listening and he heard her...
all that a woman could ask...he simply listened
and in that listening, he heard her...

do i want to be right or do i want to be happy?

Your condescending manner and patronizing tone belie your own sense of insecurity.
I sense this and choose not to personalize or internalize your lack of self worth,
rather, if I can rise above your attempts at bringing me down, perhaps I can be your subconscious
inspiration and by my example lead you to a place of understanding.
Whatever the outcome, understand this; my self esteem is not dependent upon whether or not you agree with me, as your voice gets louder and you try to bait me.
In fact, I'm going to take this one step further and say, in this moment I am facing a choice;
do I want to be right or do I want to be happy.
Frankly, happy gets my vote every time...run along now, I'll let you be right.

jagged new puzzle piece

As I sit here, under this light, next to this fountain, nursing this jagged new puzzle piece for my heart to fit together with all my other jagged puzzle pieces...I gaze up at a sliver of moon and the moonchild within me sighs - sadness, mixed with confusion, laced with mistrust, interwoven with hurt.  She sighs and within her exhale she breathes out a silent plea for help...as her quiet calling goes out into the night, she...me...I entreat the gods for answers, I implore the Spirits for comfort, I beg my ancestors for strength and understanding.  Strength to get me past a new anger that seeks to find a place inside me beside all my old angers.  Understanding to help me see I am not the only one searching, making mistakes and as much as he has trespassed upon my fragile heart, so have I transgressed upon others.  I feel a breeze soft thru my hair, falling gentle upon my skin, as though my sigh had circled back to me, my Spirit converging with Spirits of those long since passed on but, in essence remaining, ever watchful...and then, the small, quiet voice within offers an answer soft but clear. "I am my own healing and with every blow to my delicate psyche, I must salve my own pain if the mending of my soul is to be true."  This realization fucking sucks...point blank, blunt and on the real.  My desire to hand these struggles off to someone stronger so intense...I just want someone to fix me, make this goddamn pain disappear; but a coward I am not, and so, with my tenaciousness dictating my every move, I take hold my sword and move forward, even as I am struck down, again and again and again.  I always get back up.  Someday I know my trials and toils will give way to peace and as I sit here, under this light, next to this fountain, gazing up at a sliver of moon...the moonchild within me sighs again.

so much more

There is so much more-

beneath the surface-

something so sacred & precious-

Humanity has forgotten its own magic...

distracted by surface desires-

the search for money, power, prestige-

none of that matters in the end...

what matters is 'the so much more'!

The moments -the child's trust-

the old lady's stories-

the miracles when mountains seem...

insurmountable...

quiet hopes in the face of loud disappointments-

the small hand hopeful,

held by the big hand that struggles...

there is so much more-

and this 'more'?

Yea...this matters more to me.

reaching out...

reaching out to silence-
reaching out to emptiness-
reaching out to darkness...
realizing-
sometimes it is best to stop reaching out
and begin reaching...
seeking...
within...

much to learn

So much to learn! So much to 'unlearn' first! That which I have for so long thought of as 'truth' has in fact only served as a wall blocking me from all that is authentic...a distraction from the question I can't help but ask always...'why'? Followed by the ever tenacious 'why not'? People, are you paying attention? Something is coming...be ready...

his own worst enemy

Oh, he seemed so sad,
tragic almost-
his past, continued to cut him-
his wounds open and festering...
what he would not accept was so simple-
a Truth profound,
a healing Truth...
he was living his past over and over...
he was making the choice to drag his pain around...
as tho' armour to keep those who dared to care out...
in a sense...
in essence-
he was his own worst enemy-
the perpetrator of his own tragedy-
a traitor to his own best self,
and until he was willing to take responsibility-
he would always be his own victim...

he breathed her name (new version)

he breathed her name
and he knew
she was the One...
along the way, as he walked his walk
and his journey took him where Fate would lead-
he met this lovely girl and he knew,
as her name fell from his lips,
she was the One...
he saw clearly his Past,
knew he needed her in his Present,
and the Future, ah...the Future was simple...
he saw she and he,
he and she...
a life lived well-
children and grandchildren,
rocking chairs and hands held
on a porch...
peaceful-
and all because-
he breathed her name...