the good stuff

that easy feelin…oh yeah…

summer breeze blowin white, cotton curtains

through an open window…

smell of jasmine and lavender on a hot day,

children running barely clothed thru tall grasses,

laughter floats in,

tickles my soul, brings a smile to my face…

feel of a good man, kisses soft, hands caress…

minds connect, spirits entwined…good stuff…

music to sway to, unbidden beats…aww, can’t help it…

get up, dance barefoot in the bedroom, to the kitchen…

pour a tall glass of lemonade, wipe the sweat from his brow…

bodies still hot from sex just had…damn…

the good stuff remains…in me, in him, in you…let it be…let it flow…

nothin but peace, love…pure, real…

experience it, let it be…no walls, no definitions…it just is…

and, yes, oh yes…this is good…the good stuff…

oh how i'd love...

to go back in time and sit in on a lecture given by Socrates, with a tape recorder hidden in my pocket and not with the intent to come back and make a profit...just to have - wow!

to live to be 100 years old and then, 6 more months. this way, for 6 months i can say, “I’m a century old”. after that, i’ll be ready to go with a big smile on my face...…

to see every one of my girls grow up and make at least one of their dreams come true, despite my mistakes...

to be there when one of my girls gives birth...

to be financially secure enough that i never have to ask for help, ever…instead, i'm there for another...

to own a sweet ass Harley and take a road trip cross country...

to hold my dearest friends close always, even when we live far apart...

to be a recognized and respected writer...

to understand Quantum Physics...

to grow a vegetable garden & feed my family from it...

to fall in love with a good man, an understanding and spiritual man...he must be strong enough to put me in my place if need be but smart enough to choose his words carefully...i want a man secure enough and comfortable enough to be in the same room with me and not need to fill the silence with talk...i want him to be funny, or at least to be able to recognize funny and laugh dammit, laugh out loud!

to look at my mistakes as lessons and learn from them!

to live up to my own standards...

to look at my enemies as brothers and sisters...

to finally understand and be altruistic...

to meet the Dahli Lama who exemplifies altruistim...

to be alive when the Tibetans are finally able to go home...

to be old and gray, sitting in my chair reflecting on my life with no regrets and some pretty damn good stories to tell.

to be of the presence of mind that when my grandchildren sneak cookies from their mommas’ cupboards, i don’t reprimand them, i join them!

to know serenity...

to finally know serenity...

She was enough...

She stood in the doorway of her parents’ home. A grown woman, she looked out at the world as though for the first time. She leaned against the door frame and let her mind wander back to when she was younger, her mind open and her heart naive. She remembered college where they’d first met. He swept her off her feet and it was not long after that they married. She was happy but, her joy was short lived. The abuse began verbally. He would softly insult her intelligence, in subtle ways; he would berate her choices, her abilities, and her worth. She tolerated his words, convincing herself that if she just hung on, she would be able to change him. As the years progressed, so did his disrespect and disdain. He began drinking and the abuse turned physical. She became very good at hiding the bruises and she became very adept at lying. The day finally came when she could no longer continue lying, not even to herself. He beat her severely on this day. While he lay in a drunken stupor, she walked out the front door. Her mind had snapped, she didn’t bother to hide the marks of his hands on her face. Bleeding, with tears flowing, she walked until she reached her brother’s home, a few miles away. He wasn’t there, so she sat on the porch swing and rocked. She rocked and went inside of herself. This was where her brother found her, lost in her own world. He took her to the hospital where it was later discovered she was pregnant. Her mother whispered the news to her silent daughter. That night, she came out of her world. Something stirred in her soul and this brand new mother formed a resolve. No more…simple words that became her mantra, “no more”. She followed all the recommended procedures to keep him away. She asked for a restraining order, she moved in with her parents, she went to counseling and filed for divorce. The thought of this new life growing inside her gave her the strength to learn again who she was. The work to rebuild herself was hard and painful. But, she kept at it and what she found was love like she’d never known before, true and unconditional. She fell in love with herself and like a match had been thrown into her soul, she burned with this emotion. She thrived with the knowledge that she was enough, she was complete and she was perfect. She grew in size and then, one day it was time. She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. As she lay holding her child, she glowed and thanked the Spirit for this joy she felt in her heart. She looked at her baby and accepted the responsibility handed to her to be mother, teacher, guide and friend. Two years later, as she stood in the doorway of her parents’ home, she marveled at the levels she’d traversed on her journey to this moment. She was enough and no man could ever take that away from her. The layers she’d peeled away had been painful to look at but, look at them she did. She sat with the woman she once was and gave her compassion so that the woman she once was could leave and never return. The woman she had become was wise, loving, strong and kind. She knew she had more to do, more to learn. Her journey had brought her far, but she had farther yet to go. Still and all, with this truth in mind, she held tight to another truth, another simple yet profound knowledge…she was enough and going backwards was simply not an option. She was enough….

mary poppins and the toilet training torture

supercalifragilesticexpeealidocious
supercalifragilesticexpeealidocious
supercalifragilesticexpeealidocious
supercalifragilesticexpeealidocious
supercalifragilesticexpeealidocious
supercalifragilesticexpeealidocious….
i wish there were more choices of font offered on this blog…although, who am i to complain, it’s not costing me anything…but, a little garamond or bookman antiqua would be nice…lucida sans serif is cool too…
i’m just wasting time right now while i wait for two toddlers to scream out that they are done on the toilet, one is using the guest bathroom, the other is using mine…the noise is unbelievable…the two year old keeps yelling caca…so, apparently that is her goal…she first yelled pee pee…i think she has a need to tell me everything she is going to do…i hope she grows out of that…the three year old will yell incessantly that she is done yet, when i run in there…she suddenly has more to do…i really look forward to the day where i do not play such an integral part of this whole ritual….can you tell i’m not writing this all at once? i’ve been up now at least 6 times to see to these little crumb chasers…the two year old is insisting she wipe herself…i would gladly give up that chore, however, she will use up an entire roll of toilet paper in the span of 3.45 seconds…then, i will wander into the bathroom only to find the toilet overflowing with no end in sight….ok….the ordeal is over, at least for a couple more hours…
i’m back…i just found my two year old stuffing cotton balls in her mouth…when she saw me approach she picked up speed…what the hell…i’m so confused…what is so yummy about a cotton ball…so, i tell her to open her mouth and she clamps it shut…lockjaw on a two year old is almost impossible to pry open but, there is hope…i held her nose…she is stubborn, turned a blue gray before she gave in…
i am now going to pour myself a glass of wine…my first of many…these kids are driving me to drink…

caught a glimpse of god today

I caught a glimpse of God today,
in my little girl’s smile as she greeted me this morning.
She crawled up into my arms and hugged me tight,
and for a moment she and I were all that were.
I saw God this late evening,
as an elderly lady slowly made her way across the street.
The light turned green before she made it through the cross walk, yet…
no one honked their horns and I even saw people smile her way…patient.
I imparted God’s will when I took a moment to forgive another for a transgression that, in hindsight, really didn’t matter.
That moment of forgiveness blossomed into a flowing of goodness and
good feeling that grew and grew as our conversation continued.
I felt God’s presence in an email sent to me,
an email expressing a love both profound and pure between two of God’s children, one of which I am honored to call my friend and spiritual mentor.
His words evoked in me a sense of joy that God’s love finds us all when we find each other, most often when we least expect it….God’s surprise gift.
We don’t have to look far to see, feel and know God….we just have to open our eyes and wait…we will catch a glimpse….

Legacy

i feel a level of intensity..
i say stand up against the insanity,
stop complaining…take responsibility
the state of the world is up to you and me…
ultimately, fundamentally.
we have strength enough to move mountains you and i…
i won’t lay down, let apathy rule and i wait to die
i want to do all i can, or at least i must try
tears may fall, yet i’ll continue searching as i cry
why not try?
i seek to be all that I can be
i seek for others who see as i see
and, i yearn to learn from those who see differently
to my children this i will impart, this is my destiny
my legacy.

Race Day

I have a memory, vivid and clear
It’s monsoon season and race day.
I’m at the starting line, swallowing my fear,
Butterflies swirling in my belly won’t go away
I’ve trained long and hard for this the final race
The training has been thorough, though rough.
The strategy is to maintain a controlled pace,
Mile after mile I must stay tough
There is this one girl, quite my competitor,
We’ve been head to head all season
I want so badly to win, to beat her,
To be the best is all the reason.
We have deep respect for one another,
She and I have raced over the years.
And this, our senior year is the time to prove to each other,
The anticipation almost brings me to tears
The rain starts to fall as we take our mark
The gun is poised and ready,
The clouds above have made the day dark
The smell of the storm is quite heady
He fires the gun and we begin our run,
Three miles to go, seems so distant!
The razorbacks I consider fun,
But the hills, oh man, pain consistent!
Something’s happening, not sure what it is,
Could it be I’m enjoying this race?
I feel in control, thinking well through this,
I’m in charge, dag, what a suuuuweeeet pace!
Maybe it’s this storm, rainin down on my head,
Oh I don’t know but, it’s electrifying!
Rather than pain, I’m feeling joy instead,
And, this run, yes!, it’s satisfying!
We round a bend, we’re truly racing,
The end is just a sprint away
It feels like this one is mine for the taking,
Yes, indeed, this is my day
I reach the tape and I thrust my body through,
I beat her, oh man, I’m proven best
The months of training have spoken true.
I’ve earned a break, I deserve a rest.
What’s more, I realized a lesson well needed,
This day of all days, this race most essential.
My heart’s desires my body has heeded,
I’ve learned to trust I can reach my full potential.
To let myself go, to trust all my toil,
Has proven oh so rewarding,
All I need do, is let my feet hit the soil,
Let my body dance and my soul sing.

Temple Divine

I am a temple divine,
Home to a soul,
A spirit God sent
Seeking desperately to stay awake.
You would look at me as though
A piece of property
A less than for you to control
And degrade.
But, I am free
And oh so fortunate
Because, unlike many other divine entities,
I have been privy to a universal knowledge
This knowledge you can’t take away…
With your harsh words and judgments…
I am a temple divine,
And I know it.

What do you do?

What do you do when the dreams you had as a child fade away?
Where do you go when your hiding places are discovered?
What is left when who you thought you were leaves?
I ask myself these questions and I realize that I am at a crossroads.
I can continue down a path of discovery or, I can go the path of ignorance,
Ignoring who I really am in favor of who I think people will accept.
I choose the journey of self reflection.
I choose to see as a child,
Love as a child,
Laugh as a child.
Thank you God,
What are we going to learn today?

god is too big to fit inside one religion

Why do some organized religions have the standard that to reach God, the only way to do so is through them? I say that to reach God all one needs do is look within themselves and each other. God is in all of us and in all that is around us. God is love and ever accessible to us all.

monsoon!

I remember
Arizona
and the storms that would wake the desert.
There was energy in the air as the clouds moved in,
blackening the sky.
I imagined the energy coming from the land
as She begged the sky to let loose
the waters contained
in the canteens of the clouds.
The storm would tease Mother Earth.
Carried on his winds
was the sweet smell of rain.
He would wave this aroma
through the arms of the cactus.
It seemed almost too much to bear.
Even the dust would gather in twisting frenzy
as though to challenge the skies.
The thunder sounded like laughter
and the tension grew with every lightning strike.
A drop would fall, then two, three.
Soon, the sky opened completely
and released a wonderful torrent of rain.
Joy was visible in all the life around me.
After a time, the storm would slow down
and stop for awhile.
The lizards would peek out from hiding places
and chase small insects that had ventured from their spots.
Birds would sing of their thanks
from tree-tops and cactus limbs.
No symphony captured notes
as sweetly as these winged creatures were releasing.
I remember the air being warm
and a cool breeze softly caressing all life.
I especially remember my happiness
during these storms.
I felt connected to the land and kin to all the creatures.
I would go out to the desert
and run along Her trails with wild abandonment.
I know in these precious times I was closer to our Creator
than any other time.
Terms like civilization and rules and society meant nothing to me.
Monsoon was cleansing for the land
and for the inhabitants upon the land.
Those people who were awake (and willing) were able,
for awhile, to shake themselves off and feel
the freedom that comes from the oneness of nature.
There was and is a familiarity
about this freedom I speak of.
We all lived it once, long ago.
We still know it now,
when we gaze upon a blossoming flower
or listen to the wind in the trees.
I believe a monsoon is coming.
I think we all feel it,
some more than others.
Some say it will be a bad storm,
I say it will be a good one,
a cleansing rain.
A time is coming when love will be uppermost in our hearts
and we will be free again.
I say, why wait?
Let’s bring love back into our hearts and out to all people.
Freedom is just a thought away.
Get ready for the storm!

my own mirror

Something happened today
that got me to thinking
I talk so much of karma
I speak of the mirror we sometimes are afraid
to peer into, for fear of what we might see
I got to thinking, contemplating, me
I can't let myself get comfortable pointing at
people around me
not that my views aren't valid but, they are not
the truth, they are simply my views
and, I can't keep trying to push others to look
into their mirrors without asking myself
when was the last time I looked into mine?

Victim

She sat at her desk, complaining.
The work piled in, she would whine.
I asked her how she was feeling,
her answer, surprisingly was, “fine”.

I don’t get it, this manner of living.
I don’t fathom how one could allow,
their negativity to continue staining,
the energy around them so foul.

I could feel the anger and resentment.
This ugliness was thick and alive.
Yet, she would open her New Testament,
and preach to me for what goals I should strive!

My stomach I felt in knots,
when she felt the need to save me,
people like her create their lots,
never realizing it’s their faults completely.

We each have a choice how we approach our life.
We create our unhappiness or joy.
Some focus on the good, some only on the strife.
Some take it serious, some like a toy.

It’s my belief that when Christ walked,
This was the Truth he spoke of.
Did anyone listen when he talked.
Too busy looking for miracles from above.

We within have such power contained,
“As I do so you shall and more”.
Yet our objections we have sustained,
As though afraid to open the door.

Christ knew this, he knew our faults and fears.
He tried with his eloquence to explain,
His frustrations must have driven him to tears.
God’s own tears fell from the heavens like rain.

“What would Jesus do?”
Is a commonly used motto,
those that truly understand are few,
for others it just a slogan for show.
The next time this woman begins,
to preach to me of our Lord,
I will propose she look at her own sins,
and the misery she does hoard.

“He who is perfect, let him cast the first stone”,
I will ask that she put down the rock.
And take a look at herself, alone.
There’s a door within, only she can unlock.

We won't even be missed

She looked at me and her eyes said,

"I give myself to you, all of me.

All I ask is your respect.

But, even this is too much to ask from you,

the human race."

I looked at her, at her beauty,

this Mother of all things.
My head bowed in shame to the truth

of what her eyes said.

But, I also felt a respect because I knew

that when all was said and done,

Mother Earth, though scarred and damaged,

would prevail,

while our dust was blown by the winds that would come,

followed by the rains that would erase our footprints.

And we won't even be missed.

What if Mother Earth...

Indigenous people worldwide have the belief
that Mother Earth is a sentient being.
What if they're right?
What if, She's just biding her time,
waiting for the Creator to say,
"Well, I give up, they're just not getting it"
The moment the Creator gives the word,
she'll shake and shiver and off we'll go,
into the Universe we'll disappear.
Maybe this time, should He decide again to try,
He'll take Mother Earth's advise..."Please, for the Love of You,
don't plant that damn Tree..."
She might even add, "I don't really like snakes."
All I know is,
something's got to give.
I think Mother Earth is getting ready for a shift.

Flow

Flow, find the flow,
celebrate the words
self expression,
expression of self
what is self,
where?
Lost within self-defense,
me pierdo...
my spirit
Gitana, Mora, Espanola, Americana
my spirit, mi espiritu...
mio.

fear of myself

My mind struggles to be free
of limits I once thought set by society.
I feel my soul struggling against the confines,
of fears I have of crossing my own lines.
How can I teach my children to be strong,
When I've been hiding these fears all along?
My hypocrisy shames me, dulls my senses,
Creates a wall, self imposed fences.
When I face this person, this me I call stranger,
when I meet her and face head on this false danger.
This is when I will begin for the first time to live,
and to know all the gifts that I have to give.
The limits are created ultimately by me,
and only by confronting them, will I be free.

Conniption

O'Lord give me strength.

She's three years old and screaming.

I had the gall to say no to her.

She stared at me, disbelieving.

How could I refuse her pout?

Her sweet brown eyes were begging.

How could I free her pet,

the kitten she was chok...I mean petting?

This little princess crossed her arms,

by God, I'd see it her way!

If I didn't give the kitten back,

why, she'd have to scream all day!

I looked down at this little animal,
And he looked up at me.

It was as though he seemed to say,
"you hand me over, in your shoe I'll pee."

I stood there facing this little diva,

and then I became aware...

of an ominous quiet in the adjacent room...

where was the other child in my care?

My two year old was not where I had left her.

Oh no, that would be too easy.

Nope she was in the bathroom,

apparently, she liked her tresses greasy.

This was why she'd taken the vaseline,

and not just to coat her hair.

She had also swathed the dog, the toilet, the floor.

And with such abandon, such flair!

While I now had my attention taken,

by the littlest demon I'd birthed.

The other darling had stopped screaming,

she was busy bringing in worms she'd unearthed.

By the time I felt my radar again holler,

well...it was too late.

The living room, couch and all,

had taken on a horrible fate.

By the end of the day, when my ex made his nightly call,

to berate me on my faults as mother,

I looked down at my sleeping angels and sighed,

softly cursed him and told him to pester another.

For all the hell these babies put me through,

I would have it no other way.

I know the work I'm putting in,

will have its payoff,

one day.

Soulmate

Alright, I admit it,
deep down inside it's there.
For all my words of "I don't need nobody!",
I long for my Soulmate to share.

Share with me his thoughts, his soul, his body.
Hold me tight when I need him to.
Listen quietly when I rant and rave.
Always and only speak words that are true.

About my independence, my freedom so vital,
this is the noise I frequently spout.
Yet, when my babies are sleeping and I'm finally alone,
in creeps the loneliness I struggle to keep out.

I miss the physical, I am a sexual being.
But more than that, or perhaps inclusively,
I need a man who can stimulate my mind,
I need a man who can speak intelligently.

So many times I've been disillusioned and hurt,
deeply afraid I am to chance a clean slate,
but, if I let the past control my future,
I'll never meet him...my Soulmate.

Old woman, young girl

The wind blew soft through the fields as she waited for the fairies.
She sat quietly on a stone, knees drawn up to her chin, just as she had so many years before.
She closed her eyes and smelled the sweet aroma of a summer storm brewing, a smile gracing her lined face.
And then, she heard them.
Ever so softly, the fairies approached and one by one they came into view.
They knew she was watching and recognized the girl in the old woman.
Each rose to blow soft feathery kisses upon her cheek and then, as quickly as they had come, they flew off.
The old woman stood laughing delightedly into the rain that had just started to fall.
She had never forgotten this place, this secret from her childhood.
She had carried memories throughout her long life and had retained an innocent peace into her old age.
Always there was magic in this woman, a mysterious love she shared with the world.
Her spirit knew of possibility, she believed in the good possessed by all things, all beings.
And always, she knew there would be a grassy field where a fairy can play under the shine of a silvery moon and where an old woman can be a girl laughing into a summer night's rain.